Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Paris Alarm Clock?

I could feel it was a wet and cool morning by the way I was burrowed under the covers slumbering soundly and contentedly.

[AWAKE!]  What's that noise?  Damn!

Someone is laying on their car horn.  No.  Not polite taps to let someone know they need something.  No.  Not a couple blasts that express concern.  No.  Not a few honks followed by extended silence.  No.  Not any of these somewhat polite approaches to get other people to do things they might not usually want to do.

Someone is righteously angry, pissed off, and want to share their State of Being with the early morning voisins of Passy.

Egg Pelted Mini [1]
 Oh!  Look!!  Angry Birds attacked a Mini Cooper!!!

Thinking that "Je dois lui donner le bras d'honneur!" I swung my legs out of bed, padded over to the window and cracked the curtain to see what was the matter.

Huh.  One quick look makes me think someone must be stuck behind the delivery truck that's parked nearly in the middle of the street.  Oh well.  They're fools, and now they have succeeded in awakening the dead residents of Passy Cemetery who live up the hill and around the corner too.  Phfffttt!  We get the point, already!!

Eying the time, I see it's huit heures du matin.  Time to relever in any event.  So I head back to bed.

There is a fancy restaurant down the street.  They charge over 210Euros a plate for dinner.  I can't imagine spending that kind of dosh on tiny morsels of the Gods Only Know What that came from Goddess Only Knows Where.  Perhaps they were taking a delivery of caviar and fois gras shipped in from a far flung place like, well, France?  Perhaps a free range calf or a well fed pig were ready to migrate from some high Alpine Pasture into someone's freezer?  Or perhaps the restaurant needed to stock up on Cheap Plonk that sported Expensive Labels?

Egg Pelted Mini [2]
 Playing Angry Birds or dialing la police?  Which to do??

Another five minutes go by and my wife, Jude, has got to go take a look for herself.

"Oh my gosh!  Chris!!  Come take a look at this."

Jude continued to watch as eggs were thrown with Sandy Koufax velocity and accuracy at a formerly pristine BMW-era black on black Mini Cooper.

Egg shells shattered everywhere.  Egg whites oozed down the windows.  Egg yokes left long ugly yellow globs all over the roof.

The well-heeled occupant of the Mini had silenced the horn.  The delivery camione had moved.  Yet the black on black, now yellow eggish colored Mini remained curb-side.

I laughed.  We now had another rather interesting thing to watch unfold from the relative safety of our own balcony.  It's hard to hurl eggs into windows six etages up.  Even with Sandy Koufax holding the egg carton.  Besides, we weren't the ones creating a racket.

Five other balcony positions were likewise occupied with their relatively safe from flying eggs residents.  Everyone watched as the scene had momentum to unfold.

As Jude would say, "It's the curiosities in life that make it so interesting."

What's all this then?  Someone is gesticulating wildly and throwing insults toward the black on black yellow eggish colored Mini.  The well-heeled occupant of said voiture has a no doubt expensive Apple iPhone out and appears to be either playing Angry Birds or is dialing a somewhat important number.

More people appear and are standing around discussing the matter in a Well Choreographed Gallic Manner.

A Pacific Northwest-like rain continues to gently dampen all and everything.

Not too many minutes later la police arrive.

Egg Pelted Mini [3]
 ... from a scene of Angry Birds Attacking a Mini Crime...

Interviews are made.  Gesticulations and hand waving renew.  Strong French Words bounce angrily off the late 1800's era stone-faced apartment buildings.

Yet more words.  Yet more listening by la police... and... suddenly the well-heeled Mini-driver gets in her black on black yellow eggish colored caisse and drives around la voiture de police and moves off around the corner.  Contributors to the Sandy Koufax Speed and Accuracy Egg Hurling Story begin new stages in their early morning lives.  La police regain entry to la voiture and proceed to leave the Scene of the Angry Birds Crime.

This was just too good!

I'm fully awake now.  OK?  Got it, everyone??

A rather proper Gallic Alarm Clock, me thinks.


  1. Loved your story. Is the reason for all the honking still unknown?

    1. The Real Reason for all the honking remains, at this point, four hours later, unknown. We'll have to go down and ask someone about it. Alas, I'm retired now and mornings pass all too quickly.

  2. this has been a 'leveling' story for me. no more illusions of paris being 'the place' in the sun.........

    1. LOL!!! ... but it might be a great place for an egg omelet from time to time... in the meantime, just stay out of the line of fire... and don't honk your horn like you're the only one in the world who matters... :-) :-) :-)